dear ethan/sawyer/mikael/and or joe,
that beard you've been sporting the last 2 years...well, your girlfriend doesn't want to say this, but she hates the way that porcupine bush pirate feels on her bits. it makes her break out. besides, the ironic look is no longer necessary now that you've added denim keds to your shoe wardrobe. shave, because you look like a total fuck face.
ps: sorry i drove over your fixie bicycle.