this sounds crazy. no, wait. this isn't crazy. crazy was the time my next door neighbor hunted me down on my front porch at 10 pm and said,"i heard you. i heard you and your friend talking about me this morning as i passed by your window, and i don't appreciate it." at this precise "crazy" moment, i a) had no idea what this person was talking about, b) could only reply with a genuinely bewildered,"what?" while c) simultaneously juggling a deep fear that she was going to key the fuck out of my car before dawn and d) realizing i was wearing footwear not suitable for defending myself whatsoever.
"um, i was by myself so i don't know who you think i was talking to; and my windows are closed so you probably heard another apartment's conversation," i replied.
"no, it was you," she insisted, as she slowly inched her way closer to my being.
"i don't know you, so why would i talk about you?" this was the down right truth, and yet she still wanted to hear her own voice and argue with me further.
"what did you hear exactly?" i asked.
"oh, it was awful. i can't repeat it," she said, shaking her head. ok lady, case closed. "if you don't stop this, i'm going to tell your landlord," she threatened. really? why don't you also write my first grade teacher, sister rose mary, while you're at it? i told her i was done talking to her and went inside my apartment. yeesh, some people = crazy.
so, ANYWAYS, my original point of sounding "crazy": i started to feel like i was coming down with something the other night. not having any o.j., i mixed a package of emergen-c and water and topped it off with a shot of whiskey. surprisingly refreshing and it has helped ward off the cooties, thus far. i have single handedly created for colds and weaklings what vodka and red bull did for energy depleted d-bags. so, yeah, happy kwanzaa all.
yes, this bottle of jack is REALLY big
water + emergen-c + shot o'whiskey = a powerful elixir, my friend
everything tastes better with a straw